Kill-thlove

2011-12-31T09:13:00.001+08:00

旧的不去，新的不来！

My new year resolution for 2012.
1) Be happy and forget those unhappy thing.
2) My family/friends to stay healthy and be happy always.
3) To have a stable job asap ):
(As I'll take a long time to adapt to one environment)

2011-12-11T23:28:00.001+08:00

The greatest love of all is to see your loved ones happy. Being together or not doesn't trigger me anymore. I'm happy that we choose to not hurt each other further.

Your sincerely, me.

2011-11-13T14:08:00.001+08:00

对不起，我累了。

2011-11-10T18:10:00.001+08:00

因为我知道，我一定会过得比以前好。

2011-11-06T19:01:00.000+08:00

2011-10-31T00:24:00.002+08:00

2011-10-20T20:09:00.002+08:00

Who bbq at 3am in the morning?
C8 lor! hahaha.

My bb was busy eating, feeding and bbq-ing food for me.
See how happy was he when he was eating^^

Love that smile one your face that brighten my day.

2011-10-18T17:03:00.002+08:00

Blast weekends with my babes at jb!
I can't wait for the next trip^^

Last but not least, my bb is making my eyes smaller each day when I take picture with him.
Gonna start preparing and meet him at clarke quay for photo taking session. dada~
(LOL)

2011-10-14T18:39:00.001+08:00

Happy 20th birthday, aunt!!^^
I hope you enjoy yourself yesterday. Meet up soon<3

2011-10-11T18:35:00.002+08:00

Can't wait for our USS trip on Monday.
♥

2011-10-10T00:05:00.001+08:00

I'M BORED!
I'M BORED!I'M BORED!
I'M BORED!I'M BORED!I'M BORED!
I'M BORED!I'M BORED!I'M BORED!I'M BORED!
I'M BORED!I'M BORED!I'M BORED!I'M BORED!I'M BORED!
I'M BORED!I'M BORED!I'M BORED!I'M BORED!I'M BORED!I'M BORED!I'M BORED!

I miss my bb ):

2011-10-06T17:30:00.002+08:00

I am a happy girl eating my happy burger with my happy bb♥

Me love love you.

2011-10-04T19:36:00.001+08:00

JB > CCK > jurong east > home
I had a great day with bb today.  Our next trip would be 13days later. Meanwhile I shall be a good girl by not making him worry so much.

遵守沉默
That's the key for us to maintain our relationship as trust is very important. Its between us, not others. I'm so sorry to disappoint those people who tried to ruin our relationship. Try harder next time. (LOL)

2011-09-30T00:51:00.002+08:00

YOYOYO!

I know I know, my blog seems dead.

Did I mention I had a memorable birthday?
Just one day before I turned 18, I got expelled from school due to attendance and the school claim that I'm not doing very well in my studies and they suggest me to come back next year instead.

After hearing that shocking news, I felt so upset as I sense that those effort I'd put in is gone. So I ended up crying the whole day and my eyes are swollen. I practically don't have the mood to do anything. On top of that, I've also cancelled all my plans for the whole day till at night. How memorable can this be?

What to do?
Life still goes on. Suck it up dude.
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But still, I'll like to thanks my boy for cheering me up, all my kbox's friends, bbg and her boyfriend for celebrating for me.

2011-09-15T16:28:00.002+08:00

Bubble bubble bubble pop!

No drinking/No partying/No skip lessons.
I had been a good girl for this entire week indeed.
I can't wait for shopping tomorrow with my dad.
It's been ages since we last went out together. WOOHOO. H&M here I come^^

First time ever, suspended.
Meanwhile, I shall just drift apart from everyone in school to prevent gossiping and stuffs. Don't ask me what happen or stuffs. I'm sorry.
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Don't worry about me bbg's, I will enjoy this week.
I'll definitely enjoy and it's really a good opportunity for me to rest after so long.

2011-09-12T10:21:00.001+08:00

I'm currently on bus 147 testing out my new apps, blogger. (lol)

Shall blog more when I reach home^^

2011-09-08T01:39:00.002+08:00

MBK yesterday with bbg.

The day before yesterday was awesome indeed.
At first, I was with my kbox friends as usual. When I'm about to leave the place, happened to saw my ex-schoolmates at MBK as well. So I ended up going back to drink with them. After that 2 other groups of friends came. I told myself that I would go home early as I'm having lessons tomorrow. But I ended up going home at 5am.

Wow, so I ended up waking up at 4pm today.
In a result, I skipped classes today.
(Arghhhh.)
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-
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So I motivated myself to stay at home today.
But it's not a good thing after all, I tend to dose off after eating. I really don't know why I'm feeling so tired after sleeping for like 12hours? LOL.

其实,心里面还放不下.
算了吧.

2011-09-06T18:31:00.004+08:00

www.wow-pp.blogspot.com
www.wow-pp.blogspot.com
www.wow-pp.blogspot.com
www.wow-pp.blogspot.com
www.wow-pp.blogspot.com

This would be my EOY project.
Whether I can promote a not, it's all depending on this.

What is my HOT* topic for this year?
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(guess?)
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(oh come'on)
So my topic for this year is how does a service industry works?
I'm suppose to write a 1000 words essay based on Community and service. Not only that. I'm also suppose to search for as many resources as possible to support my answers. I'm also suppose to use an example to relate the whole questions. So for that, I've added tagboard for that blog as I need more suggestions regarding my project. For the benefit for me, I hope you guys could help me out. And and, I'm hoping for those people who happened to pass by my blog to give me more suggestion!!^^ (So please, help me ley,tyvm.)

Tonight I'm loving you.

2011-09-01T21:12:00.002+08:00

Yesterday MBK with kbox friends^^

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NOW, I'm considering..
Should I get myself prepare and off to PH?
I bet there will be alot of XMM flooding ph because Ian fang is going tonight.
(ARGHHHHHHHHH. XMM invade club,fucking lame-.-)

Give me everything tonight

2011-08-24T19:47:00.005+08:00

(Dalian, me & xiangxiang@MBK)
K-BOX Recept sibozxczxcz? LOL

I can't wait to see another group later at Marina Square Kbox @11pm^^
Had so much fun with jaslyn, huixiang, mark & Ahloon at MBK yesterday night.

I'm feeling so everything-is-going-my-way and blessed now.

WHY WHY WHY?

Cut short cut short, I shall summarize it into 3 factors.
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1)I got a 24/7 father who will always be supporting me & clearing all those unnecessary mess I've caused at home or in school. Oh oh , not forgetting my heaven(my house) loaded with tons and tons of food^^
2)I got wonderful friends around me to keep me occupy everyday. Be it whether I'm sad,unhappy,troubled or need someone to talk too, they'll always be there. Though I always tell them I've given up, but they're still acting like a strong pillar that continuously encouraging me despite knowing the fact that I'm tired of repeating, but they didn't even hesitated to give up.
3)爱得太真, 太容易让自己牺牲, 太容易让自己沉沦, 太容易不顾一切满是伤痕.
你见过我爱得最傻的模样 ,但是那些美好或伤心的过往，在分手一刻就碎了一地.
记住,你一定要幸福。

k lah k lah, I don't want to end my post with those unhappy things.
Lastly, DarrenQuek claims that his my loyal reader because he read it everyday. Stop stalking my blog la. If not, I'll update lesser and make your heart itchy itchy every night before you sleep.
(insert cunning look)HAHAHA.

Yo wadzuppppp.

2011-08-22T23:56:00.002+08:00

Last paper later and I'm super excited.
WHY WHY WHY?
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Cause I'm having my holidays next week and I can't wait to go crazy.
Anyone wanna go out with me??
(WOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!)

Heyyo

2011-08-12T01:58:00.001+08:00

Moved on.
Moved on.
Moved on.
Moved on.
Moved on.
Yeah, moved on.

Sorry guys and girls , I'll only be back posting after my major test . Time to be serious ^^

2011-08-01T00:35:00.001+08:00

我没有很想你，只是在早上醒来时，看看有没有你发来信息和来电；我没有很想你，只是在听歌时，被某句歌词击中，脑中出现短暂空白；我没有很想你，只是想看看你的样子，听听你的声音；我没有很想你，只是每当听到你以前常唱的歌都会流泪；我没有很想你，只是每次醒来时，总想能看到你的身影。

你不知道，某些时刻，我有多么难过。你不知道，没有回应的等待，真的让人很累。你不知道，我是鼓起了多大的勇气，才敢念念不忘。又或者，你不是不知道，只是假装不知道。其实只是自己的心在变，情在变。都说抵挡不过时间，其实是时间抵挡不过我们的善变。

Happy advanced birthday .

2011-07-25T19:33:00.004+08:00

(best viewed in mozilla firefox/ internet explorer)

I don't know what's going on with us . I'm not mad nor angry with it , either . But whatever is *happening* I want us to still remain as friend no matter what because I love having you in my life . I don't know what's wrong with me , because I'd tell myself that I need to stop , I need to move on . Because sometimes I don't think that you feel the same way about me , but I can't ? I always ended up running back to you .

Truth is , I get jealous easily . I'm stubborn as all means . I act like I don't care because I care too much . I'm very sarcastic in times because I'm too concerned about you . But I know I still love you no matter how you feel. I don't know why I love you that deeply till I'm willing to do almost everything for you , even if you don't care in the end .

You're suppose to be happy .
I should stop posting .
I don't wanna see you upset after reading either.
Last , me ♥ you & Happy advanced birthday , jjh .

Crush Destroyed Demolished

2011-07-21T17:55:00.004+08:00

(Thanks mama-ahqin for looking after me this few days ): Without her, maybe I'll be lying on the streets )

人醉了，哭出真感情，谁能了解？
Enough of those ignorance call from you .. Have you ever just sat there and read old conversation just cause you miss that person so much and you're not strong enough to tell him ? In a result , you ended up with tears and hoping that the person you missed , would be appearing right in front of you but all you got was being ignore , despite how much effort you put in ? I seriously don't care if you are going to tell everyone how badly I treated you . But remember this on mind , don't forget to tell them what you did to me for the past 9 months alright ?

It's just a meet up to pass you your advanced present + advanced celebration with you before I fly off but you rejected it cause you claims that you ain't free this week. Shouldn't have put in effort to finish the bottle and those endless night to complete it. Perhaps this is what we called fate ..

Forget it .. I can't blame you either . You're busy .
It's meant to be a surprise . But now , I don't see a point . So I shall just junk the bottle (customized by me) , customized cake , the letter , the plans away ..
It's okay , It's okay . Maybe I shouldn't be so concerned about you .

Tried over and over again .

2011-07-19T18:12:00.002+08:00

She’s trying to get better, she’s trying to be happy. She’s trying to smile everyday and not be bothered to be asked “Are you okay?” questions all the time. She’s trying really hard to smile, and act right. But somewhere in all of this, she’s losing herself. She’s fading away.
Don’t you realize?

Was suppose to go for the scope today , but there's too much alcohol on my body and I didn't really follow what I'm prescribed . So , in the end , my scope would be postpone till 17/8 . How I wish there's a time rewind machine ..

I'll choose to accept the fact that you're gone so as to refrain myself from escaping reality and get going with life . But sadly , I can't ..

Conversation

2011-07-18T01:20:00.003+08:00

Girl : what number you like ? 2 digit ah !
Boy : 18 lah !
Girl : why 18 ?
Boy : I like what . What number you like ?
Girl : okay . I like 21 .
Boy : why ?
Girl : because my birthday what ! Okay , shall put it as 1821 .
Boy : Very gangster ley you . Put logo*
Girl : no ah ! You like 18 what , I like 21 . So shall put it as 1821 .
Boy : hmm.. Okay, alright then .

I doubt , you still remember ..

UNHAPPY GIRL

2011-07-14T23:50:00.003+08:00

I hate that feeling when you don’t know what mood you are in, and you just want to drown out everyone. You just want to sleep, because you don’t want to be awake and you don’t want to be going through this.

Next review on the 19thJuly @ttsh .
My dad got to tag along on the next visit because I'm gonna go for a surgery kinda thing and I need my dad's consent in order to proceed for the next step . But yah , I'm prepared for it , no matter what's the outcome would be like.

明明很想哭，却还在笑。明明很在乎，却装作无所谓。明明很想留下，却坚定的说要离开。明明很痛苦，却偏偏说自己很幸福。明明放不下，却说他是他，我是我。明明舍不得，却说我已经受够了。明明眼泪都快溢出眼眶，却高昂着头。明明知道自己很受伤，却说你不必觉得.

Alright , I'm tired .. Goodnight .

2011-07-11T17:25:00.001+08:00

我真的很难受.

Should really stop drinking and get back to school .
How I wish this feeling doesn't hurt at all , maybe it'll be better.
It'll definitely be better if I'm numbed with those effort I've put in.
That effort that will never touch your heart in any ways .
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Should I quit ? Deep consideration ..
Since I'm on the urge to give up everything already .
So what's the point of staying ?

So sick

2011-07-08T02:08:00.003+08:00

The heart dropping moment when you did a choice which you never wanted and all you want to do is avoid and cry . Because you know , at the end of the day , you won't even bother to explain to him . Not because you're tired or lazy to explain , it's simply because you don't see a point explaining anymore as he don't feel the same as how you feel anymore .

So sick and tired of people expecting me to tell them every single detail about how we broke off , so sick of them wanting me to do what they want , so sick of hearing people saying cheer up , so sick of those fake friends around me , so sick of locking myself in the room for hours , so sick of those nightmare flashing at my head , so sick of waiting for you and hoping for you to make an effort to get me back , so sick of looking at my phone every morning hoping that there's a message from you , so sick of staring at your profile for hours but I can't get over it , so sick of constantly reminding myself that I given up on us .

Because ,
I know , I'm not a super-hero , I'm tired ..

Flashback of memories

2011-07-06T04:52:00.001+08:00

A random flashback before I start today's post . How we manage to start a conversation and how you know the existence of my blog.

(Shall skip those chit-chat times and make it straight to the point.)
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Me: how to make my blog interesting?
He: blog something interesting. Try blogging in Chinese . Maybe this will help . As blogging in Chinese can show one's true expression rather then English.
Me: my Chinese no good ley .
He: try la ! Can improve your Chinese also.

(pardon me for this Chinese post, just thoughts.)
多宁愿大家所说你的一切,都说在我。我真的不懂为什么一旦别人说你，我的心里面都很酸。真的很酸。别人说我，我无所谓，因为我一定会一句话都不说，掉着眼泪的离开。可是你不同，你在我眼里，永远都是在保护我，我也不可能再让你受伤害。我真的不想听或看别人说你多笨，多傻，一直忘不了一个伤害你的人，一个根本都不会为了你而放弃一切的人，一个根本不在乎你的感受的人，一个野蛮的人。我不想看到很烦，很矛盾的你，因为我宁愿看到你开心。如果，是因为我，让你被很多人说，真的很抱歉，我宁愿你放弃我。

我猜，我太在乎你的感受了。我不懂如何原谅我所做的选择，我也不想懂你该怎么原谅我。我知道，以前我对你的伤害有多深，我知道你无法原谅我，我真的也很难受了。但是,我从来都没放弃过。我知道，你一直都没放弃过我。我也不想你一直被人家说。我宁愿我得到你的快乐，安慰的淘汰。

对不起，我知道你牺牲很多了。不用多说了。为彼此牺牲，为彼此祝福。真的很抱歉，我真的找不回以前的我，找不回我遗失的美好了。

嚴爵【不孤獨】主打歌 - 好的事情MV

2011-07-03T20:24:00.004+08:00

休息是為了走更長的路　
你就是我的旅途　
都是因為你　我一直漫步　

想要跟你一起走到最後　
但我遺失了地圖　
誰給誰束縛　誰比誰辛苦　
愛到深處才會領悟　

好的事情　最後雖然結束　
感動十分　就有十分滿足　
謝謝你　是你陪我走過那些路　
痛　是以後無法再給你幸福　

好的事情　也許能夠重複　
感動時分　就算紛紛模糊　
不要哭　至少你和我記得很清楚　
愛　是為彼此祝福　

不要哭　至少你和我記得很清楚　
愛　是為彼此祝福　

Eps 12 casting at 10pm , I can't wait to watch ):
No one truly understand how I feel deep inside . The you , who used to care would hardly understand what I'm thinking now , I guess . " 因为在你眼里,我永远是坏人."

In times , I really got the urge to come right in front of you and tell you how much I feel deep inside , how much I hope you will understand and cuddle me telling me everything would be alright with you around. But I know , you won't even give a god damn care about how I'm feeling . As we're just not meant to be with each other , despite so many troubles we've been through , despite how many thousands time saying I'm giving up , but yeah . It's easy to say then doing it . I'm just gonna suck it up , store everything and accept reality . I'm sorry , I'm gonna disappoint you again , throughout this 9months , despite those up and down we two had , despite how many time I said , I hate you , you never once leave my heart .

One last thing , I can't deny the fact , I miss you .

This week song .

2011-07-02T15:26:00.002+08:00

計算著為你流下了多少眼淚
就代表又對我的心撒了多少謊
但每次我都選擇選擇相信
相信你是愛我的
倔強的以為我真的能改變妳
看妳裝無辜的眼神我很窒息
難道妳沒有看見看見我對妳的好
還是妳忘了那些數不清的愛情軌跡
你說我傻傻在愛上只懂愛自己的人
我說你傻傻在愛她你的眼睛騙不了人
我們都傻傻在為一段沒有未來的愛情付出
還在期待會有奇蹟出現
你說我傻傻在愛上沒有感情的分身
我說你傻傻在愛她就固執的奮不顧身
我們都傻傻在寧願被犧牲也不願放棄天真
還在期待會有奇蹟出現

Felt so in love with this song since the launch of the first eps . But unfortunately , I can't find the title for this song. Finally after so long , I've found it . I had so much fun posting the lyrics on facebook as I doubt no one would truly understand how it feels deep inside . What everyone do would be like : " Jiamin , mai emo ley ." , "Jiamin , cheer up ley . It's over." Does this help seriously ?

Next post , I'll post another song which I liked at the show .
Alright , I should get going to flea market @scape now before work ^^ Today my regular coming down when I end work !! Which also means drinking session with Ahkiong & co. (double yay-ness ♥)

Oh last , I'll be flying off on the 26th in the afternoon ..
I wish I would see you before I leave .. But at the end of the day,

you won't be there .

How I wish ..

2011-06-30T19:00:00.003+08:00

我可以在，很痛的时候说没关系。我可以在，难过的时候说无所谓。我可以在，寂寞的时候哈哈大笑。我可以在，绝望的时候说世界依然美好。我只是希望在，我开始抱怨上天吝啬的时候，有个人可以对我说，别太在意，我心疼你.

Arghh , whats wrong with me ?
This week I look at my time table , I keep seeing the wrong day one . And I ended up very late for lessons and to the extend absent for class . Another similar cases which happen this week , I keep forgetting things . Every time I went out , I will never fail to bring my wallet and phone . But this few days , keep forgetting . I should really stop letting my emotions take control ..

unready to set off with assignments and revising for exams .
I shall finish it up once I have the feel to do and study once I have the feel to do it as I practically don't feel like doing anything for the time being . I guess , Till my heart is numbed with it , I'll be perfectly okay by then .

Any kind souls wanna give me some hints on your points of view after reading my assignment ? I seriously need help as I don't have the feel to do it ): Formspring me some answers please. LOL.

Assignment 1 - English
Due on 04 July 2011 , Youth day .

O Me! O Life! by Walt Whitman

O ME! O life!… of the questions of these recurring;
Of the endless trains of the faithless—of cities fill’d with the foolish;
Of myself forever reproaching myself, (for who more foolish than I, and who more
faithless?)
Of eyes that vainly crave the light—of the objects mean—of the struggle ever
renew’d;
Of the poor results of all—of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me;
Of the empty and useless years of the rest—with the rest me intertwined;
The question, O me! so sad, recurring—What good amid these, O me, O life?

Answer.
That you are here—that life exists, and identity;
That the powerful play goes on, and you will contribute a verse.

Read the poem by Walt Whitman and answer the questions.

Questions

What do you think the poet is trying to say about life? Why? (min 5o words)
Is your take on life different or the same as his? Elaborate. (min 50 words)
Respond to O Me! O Life! with your own poem (at least 5 lines). Explain why and how you wrote it using literary devices of imagery and pun.

Assignment 2 - Chemistry
Due date : 08July2011

Have you wondered why Sulfate is SO42-? Are you confused with the naming of the different chemical formulae? Why is it Carbonate is CO32- and not CO42-?

Questions.

A) History to naming formulae.
B) What is the concept behind the naming?
C) Does ate represent 3 Oxygen atoms?

It'll be over , trust me .

2011-06-29T15:32:00.002+08:00

I should really wake up and stop skipping lessons . Don't let your personal emotion take over control . Next week , I promised .. I'll refrain from skipping lessons and absent . I just need a break through .

Please , let me out of this torturous place ..

Too late.

2011-06-27T23:27:00.003+08:00

I used to dislike your presence when we're together . But now , I think I've gotten used to it with your presence but it's all too late . Nobody have the right to make decision for others as at the end of the day , you're gonna be at the losing point .

In the past , If it's because of holding my pride , I will do it . Yeah ,I meant whatever I wanna do nor get , I'll will definitely do it and get it . Be it whether I'm gonna make things ugly or what , so long as I get what I want , I will do it . I don't even care whether who get hurts in the end if I'm able to hold my pride back . But this time round , if you're asking me whether what on earth I'm gonna do next , my answer would be clearly stated well enough to say that I'm a changed person . I'll give up my pride for the one whom I love the most . I'm sorry , though this might be a shameful thing I've even did in my life by letting someone step over me , but I'm gonna do it . I don't need anything in return and I ain't wanting for anyone to pity me .

Words ain't gonna describe how one feel deep down inside but for all I can say is , I've given all up . Part of the reason would be for you , but the main point is I'm doing it for myself . I might sounds so exaggerating , I might sounds like I'm so noble and capable enough to be doing all this for you but the truth is , I'm not . In life , there will always be a point when you came to realize how aimless your life would become if you pursue on something which will never happened .

Thought of it , I should respect your answer , clear cut between us .
In the first place , I shouldn't be so concerned about you for the past 9months and I shouldn't be constantly blogging about you making you feel like I'm crazy . My apology for pestering you throughout this 9months , I finally know what you really want in life . I shouldn't interfere you when you're seeking for your happiness , because .. I don't have the rights to do this anymore . I'm sorry .

Last , for that girl I mentioned in my previous post .
I'm sorry for being too overboard regarding this matter. I'm sorry .

Used to it .

2011-06-26T20:53:00.004+08:00

To be honest with you , I don't have the words to make you feel better, I don't have the ability to be with you , I don't have that power to make you loved me once more , but I do have the arms to give you a hug , ears to listen to whatever you wanna talk about , and I have a heart , a heart that is aching to see you smile again .

Please be fair in a relationship . Instead of letting everything end and suffer alone , why don't you go think about it then regret in the end ? If it didn't worked out well , start thinking why and try to amend it and not avoiding it . As avoiding doesn't helps you in any ways . Because at the end of the day , the one whose gonna face misery and being unhappy about it is you . If it ended off to hatred , don't be upset . Hold yourself up and tell yourself that , : " It's not the end of everything , don't give up . It's all because you'd loved him so much and that was why it resulted like that . After all , it's worth the pain and worth waiting for . "

Oh before I end today's post ..
Excuse me , I don't mean to be rude .
But please , stop trying to create unnecessary troubles with me , you're old enough to think and in fact , you're older then me , which also means that you should be slightly more matured in your thinking and how you handle things . Stop killing your brain cell by arguing with me in fb and asking different people (your akl sister aka ahlians wanna be friends) to add me in fb . Go read up the definition of REJECTED . (Pardon me , Since you liked to be frame by me so much , since you liked to stalk about my life so much , I'll dedicate this post for you . This is not referring to him , it's her . )

Weekends ended , which means back to school tomorrow . Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh .

I can't anymore ..

2011-06-24T16:36:00.010+08:00

Sometimes things happened and all you do is blame yourself . Because you always think that there's no one else to blame but yourself , and you tend to think that everything happened because of you . But , you must realized that everything does happen for a reason . Be happy with the times you spend with them and stop brooding over spilled milk . You can't expect yourself to be sad for what you had . Because at the end of the day , it's still your call .

Yesterday , as I'm on my way to Zirca in a cab , the uncle had a conversation with me .

Uncle : Girl , so late already , you looks like you're 15 . why are you going to this kind of place ?
Me : I'm 18 this year . Oh , I'm going there to meet my friend .
Uncle : Really ? LOL . You looks so young at my point of view . Anyway how's your life ? You seems to be lack of sleep as your eyes are swollen .
Me : Life ? (LOL, rolled eyes *) Nothing interesting . What do you expect from a teenager like me ?
Uncle : I thought teenagers at your age all meet boyfriend one , why you didn't meet your boyfriend ?
Me : Uh ? Boyfriend ? I've enough of those bullshit and I'm sick and tired of holding on to someone who already gave up on me .
Uncle : You're still young . Don't have to be so discourage because of one slight fall . Anyway , what do you mean by those bullshit ?
Me : As he can't made up his mind to choose the one he like or the one he love . So in the end he gave up all .
Uncle : His really stupid .. Giving up a pretty girl like you . Because of a girl who never exist in the picture when both of you were together . That girl must have been there for her when he needs her , I guess ? Don't be so upset , as there's still many more outside awaiting . Get going with life .
Me : I'm not desperate , for goodness sake .

( PS : there's lots more things we chat la , but I lazy to type all )

Get my tag , ready to enter Zirca but some things went wrong . (shall skip that part )
So we ended up heading to MBK instead .
-
-
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I was suppose to attend school in the morning . But guess I'm too tired .. Sore eyes once again , thanks to huixiang and flu + sore throat from carlers thio . Oh my , its so contagious . Arghhhhh. Hopefully I'll recover asap as I can't wait for this weekends !!

期待你有一天 , 你回头看看我 . 因为到了最后,我心里还是放不下你 .我无能为力叫你回到我身旁 , 可是我一定不会放弃 , 我一定会努力把我和你的美好回忆枪回来 . 虽然已经知道自己没有本事把你握紧 , 可是我还不甘心 , 我还是很纯的我 , 我一定不会灰心 . 因为现在不是说放弃的时候 . 虽然我知道 , 她对你比我对你还好 , 她爱你比我爱你还多 , 可是 , 我不可能在让你消失在我面前 .
5年后的约定,谁还记得?

MC for 2 days .

2011-06-22T15:17:00.002+08:00

It feels like someone just punched me in my stomach , I can feel it tightening up . It hurts , I can feel that knots just sitting there . It gets hard to swallow and I have plenty things running through my head . Where should I go from here now ? Do you feel the same way as how I'm feeling now ? What can I say now ? I can't keep my mind at one topic now , as there's too much to think about . how many times does we forgive someone just because we don't wanna lose them , even though we know he don't deserve your forgiveness now ?

Can I just make it 3 days ?
Tomorrow is 23rd which also means 9 months of tortured and on the other hand , my fever cum sore eyes are eventually getting worsen . So can I just rest at home till I'm fully recover ? This hurt is unbearable and I don't see a point for me to hold on to it . It might seems easy for some people , but not me .

(Pardon me , stop making your own assumptions and stop making wild guesses regarding what happened as by reading my blog is just expressing how I feel but not this situation . So formspring or as me instead)
I used to treat you as an option but ever since you left , I realized so many things . Just as I'm about to amend everything , you gave up the chances and let go of everything . I don't care about what others think about me but what triggered me the most is when I know how others think about you . So I rather apologized to her then making her misunderstood you as a Jerk . Making others saying you're not a good guy . Because the truth is you're not what they thought you are . When I first met you , you used to be someone who holds your pride very high , someone who wont voice out how you feel but you gave up everything just for the one you love without even caring about what others would say nor think about you .

You said you hate me alot and you don't wish to see me anymore .
But I'm sorry , stop escaping reality . If you really do hate me that much , the last thing you can do for me is to see me and say it in front of me how much you hate me and how much you don't wish to see me anymore . I assure you , that will be the end of us , the end of torture and the end of me blogging and expressing my feelings through words . I know , I might be crazy by asking you to meet me and hurt myself once more . But deep down inside , the reason why I did this is so long as I hurt myself to the maximum , those hurt would be numbed and by then when I get hurt again , it won't hurt anymore and it won't affect me so much anymore .

Remember what you once said to me ?

" You're not gonna be the only one suffering , I am too and I will be there for you jjm."
Stay strong my dear , hang on there . You're not the one suffering as well and I'll never let you hold on to this responsibility and mess alone . As promised , with my presence , you'll never gonna be handling all those unnecessary things alone . When I needed you the most , you was there , so what makes you feel that this time round , I won't be there for you ? So what you're giving me false hope over and over again ? The fact is I don't mind because I know the reason why you're doing this . But nevertheless , at the end of the day , the answer deep down inside your heart is what really matters . I hope that you realized that it's not too late to amend things . If it's really too late , 8 months ago till now , you won't be reading my blog and crying every time after you read . Last , I love you.

That feeling ;

2011-06-21T19:16:00.004+08:00

Something gained by someone is also lost for someone else . Why is it because of me , I must see someone get hurt ? If I did not take other people's stuff , then I won't hurt them .

You know that feeling you get when you think you should quit and just give up because you're just an option ? But you don't want to give up because you love that person so much and you would do almost everything just to make him yours , and be with him ? That feeling you get when you know that you're making the wrong choice , but you don't care because your feelings for that person continues to grow each day ? Yeah , that's exactly how I feel .

Thanks for accompanying me last night .
Last, I'm sorry , 23rd .
As mentioned at my previous post , I'll keep to my words . I did what I should do already , Hopefully she would feel better .

Like We Used To

2011-06-18T21:50:00.002+08:00

The best song to describe my feelings . Tears always start rolling down whenever this song is played in my mind . Whenever I tried to let you go , this song started popping up in my mind and I hesitated , and instead of letting you go and out of my mind , I let those whose awaiting for me go . Because at the end of the day , the one who let me shed the most tears , the one who I always wanted , the one who will hold his pride and continue to act strong and the one who gave me the best memories was you . I'm sorry , I failed once again .

Sometimes , I really wondered..
Why can't I just let you go like how I did towards all my failed relationships ? Why can't I just let you go easily ? Why do I still feel that on-off feelings from you ? Why I still got the feeling you're still reading my blog ? Why do I still feel that you do care but you just don't wanna hurt me anymore ? There's lots of (why's) popping up in my mind but I doubt you can answer all my question as you're no longer caring anymore. (I'm not doubting my answers as this is all according to what you said when I'm drunk that night)

23rd 23rd 23rd , 5 more days , exactly 3rd day when school reopens and it's 9 months of torture . Please God , let me out of this , I'm tired and too weak to suffer more as I'm not as strong as what you think I am . Seriously , It'll be surprising if this doesn't affects me when school reopens .

Where will you be appearing next time round ?

2011-06-15T00:39:00.003+08:00

"Next time if I can appear , I would choose to appear in your heart ."

In the past , I always think that we're not meant to be and maybe we should only be friends . So I make you gave up this relationship . At first , I thought I'll be able to let you go and you won't affect me that much , but I guess , I'm wrong . After so long , I finally realized it , I really can't do it . I can't accept the fact that you liked someone else and I dislike seeing you with other girls as I don't want anyone to have you. Because I know I won't be able to accept and handle this .

I'm sorry . Every time I close my eyes and think about us , I'll think about everything . About those fun times we've been to , those pictures we took , those places we've been to . (Eg . I like to picture us holding hands , hugging each other and arguing with each other . I like to picture us going to pubs together , going to kbox and going to marrina barrage .) I know I did many things to hurt you in the past and to the extend , you're tired and you gave up . But now , it's time to changed . Even if I get hurt in the end , it's okay . So long as you're willing to be back by my side , I'm willing to do anything .Yes , I mean anything .

5 days of short happiness

2011-06-11T12:05:00.001+08:00

I took a hour posting this , pardon me for this long post . Though it's just a short happiness that resulted to false hope from him but I just wanna remember how much this affected me so badly . Okay , Enough of crying , enough of shouting , enough of calling , enough of drinking , enough of all this bullshit and enough of your Stone+quiet attitude . The fact is , he won't be back . Face it .

On the first day , You said Youre sorry. You said Throughout all these month I'm still in my mind. You said you're not happy at all . You said you gave alot people false hope and you wish to stop it . You said You have already forgiven me long ago. You said you keep working all these while to stop thinking . You said im always in your mind. Everywhere You go, everything You do. You said you will still remember what I said to you. You said you can see the effort i put in. You said you wish that You have the courage to go back to me right now and share everything with me and at the same time , fulfill our promise . You say give you some time .

Then on the second day , You said you like her. But the person you love is me . You said you don't wish to hurt anyone and you can't lie to yourself anymore and you're willing to give up her in exchange of the 8months of torture we suffered .

On the third day , You said you don't know what You want . You said you only know that this 8months I have nvr ever lefted you . You said Im still the jjm You love . You said You're torturing yourself as well and you hope to give me back the time that we had lost . You said you don't expect me to wait. You said If I chose to give up, You will still love me . You said you already gave up your pride for me . You said you finally have the courage to voice out what is hidden deep inside all along .

On the forth day , You said : "Jjm, I love you! I need some more time to find back what is meant for us. I'm sorry to let you wait. Sorry to let you feel insecure afraid that I'm leaving.  I may need days, weeks, or maybe months. If you think it's worth holding on, don't give up. I don't wanna regret again." After reading this text from you , tears started rolling down from my cheeks . Then i realized , All along , it was you that I loved and I've never gave up on that glimpse of hopeless hope you gave me throughout this 8 months. You deserve all the time .

But ..
In the end ..
On the last day of happiness , You said you gave up once again . The reason you left behind was , "You will know why. I will be alone. It's alright. My main focus is to pursue my career. I look forward to the future , Instead of going into a struggling lifestyle. I'm sorry Jiamin , maybe i have let you down once again. No matter what , we are stills friend. ."

...
I'm sorry for not replying after this post because I really don't know what else to say . Guess you'll never understand how I really felt as all along , you're just thinking for yourself . Maybe you'll feel happier , but I'm sorry , what you think , might not be what others think . And thinking that I'll be better off without you ? Think about it again seriously .

Leave me alone .

2011-06-05T09:25:00.001+08:00

我的眼泪已经把笑容带走了。找不回自己了，因为我一直在寻找的自己已经被你取代走了。当是，你已经离开了。我无法写出来我对你的爱有多深，有多痛苦。

Back to where it all started . You should have just leave, you should have ignored me all the way , you should have not call me back .

Thanks for letting me pinch so high hope on you and let me go down like that . No words can express this kinda feeling , I'm lost . I'm speechless. I'm unsure what should I do . I didn't expect myself to be hurt by you once again . I shouldn't be too naive to trust your words and letting myself fall again. Thanks for making me in such a state now .

Im a strong girl , definitely . Give me some time , I'll be okay . I'm sorry people for making you guys worry and I've let you guys down once again . I'm sorry for that "stoning" me and the "quiet" me once again . Bear with me , I'll be okay ..

I doubt so.

Like turns love - edited

2011-06-02T15:47:00.004+08:00

I should have know this would happen . I should have know that you would end up leaving me . I should have know that we were too good to be true . I should have know that I would give you all and you would give me nothing at all . I should have know this would all end up to be a heartbreak to me . Back to square one.

I really don't wish to know how much she changed you , how many she pampered you and how she touched your heart anymore . I didn't expect you to even hesitate to hold back what's left between us. Seems like you're the one who don't understand the meaning when like turns to love . Guess my job is done , I should leave .

Sorry, I'll not be back .. I'm just too afraid ..

Maybe I'm just too strong to watch you leave , too strong to ever imagine I'm letting the one I loved the most love someone else without even holding him back. To ever imagine I've finally have the courage to watch you leave even though there's a glimpse of hope in between us. To ever imagine how much I loved you and how much I'm awaiting for the day for you to be back and letting go just like that , perhaps as what others said , this feeling won't be the same anymore. I'm sorry, I won't hesitate anymore , I won't . I'm not tearing , I'm not crying , I'm not a weakling . Or maybe , I should really go find what's best for me then spending time sleeping and continuously escaping reality .

If I ever have the chance to see her or know who is she , I would really take this chance to apologize to her for causing so much inconvenience to her , for ruining their relationship , for being that someone whom he can't forget and for appearing in his life . I hope she'll give him the happiness which he lost , that smile on his face which I used to give him and lastly, help him , find himself back. I'm serious . Guess I should accept the fact , look who got the last laugh .

对不起, 我猜我没有人家想象中的那么坚强 .

After 8 months .

2011-06-01T16:16:00.003+08:00

We've being through hell and back , and back to hell again . Even after all the tears you've caused me . I have never feel so weak in my whole entire life . I still won't leave you though , because my heart is still awaiting for you to be back and it is just not letting you go .

I finally see hope in between us . I used to be very confident in everything I do as I know you won't let me down . But I don't know why .. This time ..

I'm afraid ..

Polaroid ♥

2011-05-26T22:42:00.002+08:00

I don't want to dwell on my past and continue waiting for nothing anymore , it's gonna led me to nowhere but misery . So from today onwards , I'm gonna pin up all my happy memories and find myself back. (the one I used to be)

2011-05-26T01:28:00.001+08:00

HI ALEX , my new reader ^^

For you .

2011-05-24T15:02:00.007+08:00

I told you that I loved you once , and I meant every word I said . I don't need to lie about stuffs just like that , I didn't ever expect that your trust for me was extremely low. Till the day you shown me with your actions and it really takes time to have the courage to tell you how much effort I've tried to make you hate me .

Does this matters to you anymore ?
If it doesn't , think about it again. Why are you still reading ?

Confession /

2011-05-23T17:13:00.004+08:00

Though I got 6th in class , but I ain't satisfied with my reason. The main reason why I didn't did so well is because I've forgotten there's biology exam on the similar day ): Forget it , over already. Shall start revising for my last paper tomorrow , MATHS .

(Pardon me , please don't get this message wrong as I ain't wanting nor asking for your return , I'm just voicing out how I feel deep inside. Once again, It's just 23rd .)
Seems like you're back to yourself and living your normal life now , but I hope you still keep to your promise you once made to me. "Pay all your debts back . " Though I don't have the rights to stopped nor interfere with your life anymore , but I seriously dislike seeing people asking you and posting negative stuffs at your wall . Some, even to the extend , confronted me but I told them I promised I won't interfere to your life anymore. I seriously don't know why , I felt so helpless every time I saw those negative stuffs posted and those people who confronted me.

I tried to forget everything , I tried to let go of everything which is hidden deep down inside and I tried to let go , I tried to come out with as many lies to force myself to make you hate me but I guess what's deep inside my heart are all our memories which had caused a huge impact in my life . I wonder whether you feel the same too , I wonder when will this stop , I wonder when will this memories fade and I seriously wonder when will this flashbacks of you and me fade. I'm tired of crying , I'm tired of drinking every time when it comes to 23rd , I'm tired of having hangovers and being so drunk and I'm tired of having nightmares every night.

You'll never understand , never ever . All you thought was those horrifying night I gave you just one day before everything ended just because of love and in your mind , I'm the one to blame and all the good memories were all trash down the bin . Letting this relationship go and letting me suffered with all this torture you've given me and I should really thanks for letting me found out the truth , you have never trusted me in our relationship .

For you , 倪安東《散場的擁抱》官方完整版MV

HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

2011-05-16T16:45:00.002+08:00

2 more days till exams.

You are advised to write between 350 and 500 words on one of the following topics. At the head of your composition, write the number of the topic you have chosen.

“Belief is powerful but language is influential.” Discuss.
Image.
With regards to how a person thinks, explain how communication evolves.
“Justice and revenge are on the same side.” What is your opinion?
Write a story on how a problem creates new solutions for a disadvantaged people group.

I seriously got no idea which topic should I choose for my English Mid year paper held on Thurs. Any suggestion please ?

Sore Red Eyes .

2011-05-11T06:07:00.002+08:00

That's what I always do when I'm bored in class ^^

Exactly one more week to exams and I should really start my SERIOUS revision .
After so many weeks of "next week then I start revision-kinda-mood" , I've finally started yesterday . Shall just put everything aside till my MYE ends then I sort it all out . So for the time being , anything which is gonna hurt me badly or make me fall once again , you can try harder . Because I'll never let my mood affect my studies , that's something I can assure ^^

I had not being sleeping well lately .
I keep forcing myself to sleep but my mind just don't let me off . I really don't know what am I thinking at that point of time . I tend to sleep soundly in the afternoon as compare to at night . Maybe I should really adjust my time back to normal ^^Alright , one more round of dota and I shall prepare for school . I'll be like a vampire when I reach school I guess .

I wish .

2011-05-09T00:49:00.005+08:00

I wish I could let you know , I wish I had the confidence to tell you how I feel . I wish I could tell you every word and thought about you that goes through my mind every single day without fail . When I hear your name , I can't help but just smile instantly , when I see you , I wanted to tell you how badly I missed you but I can't . I have butterflies all around my stomach but I can't help but just got to watch you leave .

Happy mother's day , grandma .
I'll value my grandmother more then you ^^ Because you're not the one who look after me since young and you're not the one who plays a role as a mum . I'm sorry .

Unhappy to Happy girl .

2011-05-07T15:37:00.003+08:00

总之就是如果心里还有不满,就是还没放弃你.
我一定会找出你当时离开我的原因.

These few days , I've been through so many obstacles and I'm feeling so achievable ^^
Since the day you left , I never even thought or attempt to go to those places which holds deep memories or places which we went . I can't believe it , I've finally have the courage to go . Though at the end of the day , I'll be crying badly , but yes , I know , you won't be back now even how badly I cry . I'll stay strong , yes I will .

I had a great day with Darren Quek , KJ , Alvin and Desiree yesterday .
And I'm sorry for those moody moody attitude I gave when I arrived. I had a bad day before I met you guys ): I felt so much better after seeing Desiree's all time favourite hits , bullying Darren Quek & playing 5,10 with KJ ! Thanks guys really (:

Oh Oh , I should really start revising soon .
Mid years are approaching in 2 weeks time and I'm still having fun . Since 2 weeks ago , I've constantly reminding myself to start my revision and I'm always giving the same old excuse over and over again . "I'll start after this week . "

@Boat Quay .
(Thanks Darren Quek , KJ , Alvin & Desiree for accompanying me)

& Yeah , I love her more then Alvin loves her ^^
( that's for sure)

For more pictures search for Jiamin Traxex @Facebook (:

Just one day

2011-05-02T17:03:00.002+08:00

One day you'll love me like the way I loved you . One day you'll think of me like the way I thought of you . One day you'll cry for me like the way I cried for you . But no matter what , you'll still stay in my heart .I don't care whether I'm still important to you , because no matter what you'll always be in my heart .

The song which reminds everything

2011-04-26T23:52:00.001+08:00

我一直以来都守护在你身边不懂你如何看得见只好静静靠在一边你的笑容能让我开心一整天只要一天没和你见面我的心情不会好一点时间已经不多我还有话很想说隐藏在我心里不懂如何开口我们很快就要走回忆也不算太多简简单单希望你会懂不能在一起也没关系至少你懂我的心会在想你那些回忆会永远保持甜蜜不管未来你会在哪里我都不会忘记我爱你你是我微笑的原因只是希望你能比从前开心 .

Too Real to be fake

2011-04-26T07:07:00.001+08:00

So in the end , the ugly truth is still revealed . I can't do this anymore . I shouldn't be lying to myself thinking that by finding someone to get over you would gives you a happy ending to get over me . It's all bullshit . I don't trust anything about it anymore .

Be it whether you're gonna believe it or not , it's just so different as compare to you and me . I choose to give up , I shouldn't regret and I won't regret .

Moved on.

2011-04-11T23:09:00.001+08:00

Since you've already move on with someone else , replaced me and get me out of your mind , what makes you think I'll continuously be a fool clinging on you ? I don't wanna be the desperate one waiting while you can simply enjoy flirting with so many girls .

Someone once told me this : " Jiamin , you're fortunate enough to have so many things you wanted and so many toys when you're young . Compare yourself with those less fortunate people . You will came to realized that you shouldn't be keeping everything to yourself . Some people who are less fortunate are begging for it , so be kind , you've grown up , you don't need it anymore . Give it away . "

Guess I didn't make a wrong choice and thanks that someone for telling me that . Hahaahahahahahah! I'm so much relieved after I've met someone whose exactly like you indeed . Thanks for making me think and realized that I should donate to the less fortunate (:

Positive and negative

2011-04-09T18:18:00.001+08:00

At your sight , those negative thinking which keeps you so apart of me . Have you ever consider about those positive thinking after you left me ? I doubt so .

I might not be a good girlfriend who listens and obey you in times , but I believe that I've tried my best already . Though she go clubbing in times , But she still respected you as a boyfriend. Which girl will Sacrifice her sleep just to wait for you to end work at 6-7am daily ? Which girl will work midnight shift just because her boyfriend is working ? Which girl would even bother suffering with him despite those debts his in ? Which girl will even lend a helping hand and get scolded by her boyfriend in the end ? Which girl would use her own money to help the guy ? Which girl will hug him so tightly and cry in front of everyone for him to be back ? Which girl will try to be happy Deep inside when she knows she's not whenever she see you angry ? Which girl would try to learn his favourite songs just because he sings it ? Which girl will write a letter + sew + capture the picture and give him as a gift ? Which girl will hang the captured photo frame on the wall just to see him everyday ? Which girl will try to force herself to sleep just because she misses him ? Which girl will bottle up her feelings through alcohol just because she hopes he feel the same too ? Which girl will still post so many status and delete the one she love in Facebook ? Which girl will create a huge lie despite how much she love him ? Which girl will feel that she's not worth it for his love and wants him to leave ?

It might be easy for you to move on and start all over again with a new girl , but I'm sorry , I can't . It's not an easy task for me . Be happy with her , hopefully she won't hurt you like how I did. Hopefully she'll treat you x2 better then me . And hopefully she'll do those sacrifices more then me . Take care , jjh.

Trying so hard yet it turned out the other way ;

2011-04-07T23:15:00.003+08:00

Trying to get over you is the hardest task I've try to accomplish but it didn't worked out well . I loved you , you loved me. We were happy , we were that couple which everyone believe in and we were that couple which everyone knew about , that would hold hands , kiss , hug each other tightly and work together even though we didn't pair up during work . I never felt this way about anyone before , you changed my view on things which I didn't expect anyone would even changed me , you make me smile in times when I'm super pissed off with you , you make me believe in love once again after that great fall which happened before I met you , you make me believe in myself once again and you never fails to be there for me whenever I called out for you . But you left me . I really don't know where to go from here . I miss you badly , moving on isn't working well for me .

I want you .
Yes , I want you back sunflower boy .

Afterall it's still you.

2011-04-06T03:05:00.001+08:00

I'm half sober now after drinking out my sorrows with my Kbox mates. . I'm sorry but all I can say is i really miss you. I keep tearing , tearing for u to look back, tearing for u to forgive me and tearing for you to give this relationship a chance . If only you're back, I'll make sure I'll change, I'll make sure I won't do stupid thing and lie to you again. I'll make sure I cherish this relationship as I'm really remorseful after lying to you just because I'm not worth it. One last chance, the only thing I want from you.

Im sorru but I miss you. Yes, 我很想你！ ): I'm serious, I really need you badly now .

Letting go.

2011-04-04T23:50:00.001+08:00

Since you can forget me so easily as though we never been together, since you hated me so much, since you want everything to turn out to memories, since theres no more chances between this relationship, since you can take my words so easily, then why must I still bother with every single thing you're doing?

It's all because of love. I have enough of sharing my thoughts out and expressing my feeling out hoping so much that you will feel the same like me. But guess, you won't care anymore as you no longer feel the same anymore. At this tragic point when there's no turning back or make over for our relationship, i didn't hesitate to give up as I'm still trying to express through words and hoping one day, you're gonna look back at me. Forget it, I'll stop what I'm doing, I'll stop expressing my thoughts and I'll stop all my nonsense.

For the benefit of you, I'm forcing myself to swallow every single thing from now on. I'll take in to consideration to Shut this blog down after so long. You don't have to look back at me now, leave happily , stay happy and do everything happily. I'm the one who let you down, so goodbye.

That smile on your face.

2011-04-02T12:27:00.002+08:00

The one who will be there for me and overcome those troubles with me.
♥ twinny.

We all had that guy you truly love, and you wish you could be back together like the past. So you find ways to get him back and felt head over heels for him. He made you believe he liked you too , he made you happy, He never fails to cheer you up, He never fails to be there for you, He asked you to hang out all the times. He stopped talking to you , he started ignoring you, he started hating you, he started acting you don't exist and he never knew who you were. Pushed everything from the past aside and forget about you. He didn't care . He didn't looked back. He just walk away and she's hurt.

Carry on saying you're not worth it, carry on blaming yourself and carry on hating me. But still, deep inside my heart, You're worth the pain.

No one remembers.

2011-04-01T20:28:00.004+08:00

When nothing actually bothers regarding love after the day you left.
Reminiscing about your smile, voice, and touch. Damn this life.
I'm missing you too much.

I'm back from the camp and it's AWESOME !
Before I start sorting out my feelings, I'll like to get my facts right and clarify some matters. Though it doesn't really affected me much but it impacted me a lot as it's gonna cause a misunderstanding and it'll eventually led to a fallout once again.

I admit, I still love you, but I never ever wanted to let anyone know how I really feel, especially my classmates or schoolmates. People who knows me well will eventually read my blog as I voice out almost everything on blog but they won't even bother asking me cause they know I won't say out. Even if they bother asking, I'll just ask them to read my blog as it voices out how I really feel and don't ask me questions after reading it. But now, I know that whatever I said, it's just words which carries no meaning to you. But I'm still gonna voice out as usual, there's no point for me to continuously denying and covering our affairs while your BEST friend in my school continuously spreading to my classmates that I am your ex girlfriend and I bastard you.

I'm not getting irritated or annoyed because of that, as I'm not answering them, but I know you're gonna carry on saying me and stuffs. (Eg, "You don't have to tell others how much you've done for me. It's just another method to let me know .") So before you start to think that I'm the one spreading to the whole world just to let you know how I feel deep inside, I guess you should first get the facts right as you know I hate being accuse.

Yes, I'm that type of girl who will listen to those song and remember his face. Who will look for him whenever he goes even if his gone. I'm the type of girl who doesn't get over things easily. Who will get jealous whenever he talk to a girl. Who will fight for her rights if she feels that she's not in wrong. Who will still forgive him at the end of the day. Who will be staring at his profile for hours just because she misses him. Who will suffer and carry his burden together. Who will do foolish things just to seek his attention. Who will deny every single thing when someone's tried to help. Who will give up her pride just for him. Who will try to cover him and stop everyone for helping her get him back. Who will torture her life in exchange of him. Who will cry herself to sleep cause she's not good enough for him. Who will still forgive him even though he lied. Who will still wants him back even how much he hurt her. But I'm also that type of girl whose strong. Who will still fake a smile whenever she's with friends. Who will pretend it doesn't hurt at all. Who will pretend to forget every single shit about it. Who will let him go easily. Who will blast her music out loud just to stop thinking. And who will be no one but herself because everyone's gonna hurt her one day.

I'm serious, you broke every single piece of me, to the point where I don't know who I am anymore. But I still love you and I'm still awaiting for you back. Maybe I'm too naive, I don't wanna care and I don't wish to go think about it. Because I've lost that courage to love again, that smile of mine and mostly importantly, the one I love.

But yeah, sunflower love , I still want you back.

E.N.D.L.E.S.S Nightmare

2011-03-29T12:15:00.003+08:00

My feelings for you are not gone , they're still going strong. I want you back, but I know you don't feel the same anymore. I wanna go back to how we were, I want everything to go back to normal, I want everything to be perfect, I want to be happy and I want to be back with you.

It’s just one of those days where I can’t tell if I’m happy, sad, angry, tired, bored, lonely, anything. I really don’t know. I wonder whether you have those days like mine. When you're about to ease yourself to sleep, everything we once had just flashback so suddenly and tears just burst out from your eyes. On top of that, having a sudden urge to look at your profile and ended up not sleeping just wanting to see your next updated status. Though those status are not about me anymore, I just hope you're doing perfectly okay with your life, I'm satisfied. In times, I do have a sudden urge to text you telling you how much I miss you,how much I wanna see you and stuffs, but after much consideration, I decided to undo all those text. Cause I once promised you that I won't interfere with your life anymore though it still my greatest concern.

But still, I'm sorry, my love.
I miss you badly despite knowing the fact that you don't.

Argh, I think I really got to do something with my eye bags, it's getting from bad to worst. Oh before I forget, I'm going for my school camp tomorrow as it's a compulsory kinda thing, though I'm not looking forward for it as I dislike camps. But I'll try my best to update my blog if provided, the camp don't burn away all my time.

Oh wait, did I mention before my school assignments are mostly online ?
Just in case I got no time to update, hopefully these two blog would kill your time.
1) Biology and Technology assignment.

www.biology-cc.blogspot.com

My recent project which I did online with my group for technology and my biology individual work. I'm so glad that my group managed to obtain full marks for our technology project. Hopefully our next project given would be easier ):

2) Chinese assignment

www.chinese-cc.blogspot.com

Take a look at my Chinese assignment's blog, I bet it'll definitely makes you smile after reading it. And I really wanna thank my Chinese teacher for giving us online assignment and asking us to post at our blog making me so embarrassed and humiliating myself to with those words I type. Alright , give me some time to do my Chinese assignment 2. I'm thinking of what range of words should I used to describe the story.

Rant it and ask me anything @Formspring .

The best memories.

2011-03-28T19:47:00.001+08:00

这段感情慢慢失去信任,就是因为太多的误会,彼此都不想让步和说出心里到底在想些什么使得现在这个底部,结速了。我们可以选择道歉和好，但是心里还会有一点不满所以你最后还是选择离开，根本没有商量的余地。

"因为我们深爱着彼此，所以狠下心的选择放弃" 我和你都忘不了的回忆。所然已经结速了,我根本无法放下这段感情,我只好默默地等待你回来.

Revenge kinda thing

2011-03-28T00:49:00.001+08:00

Thanks for everything. I'll never forget today, I'll never forget the great lie you made and I'll never forget you're still taking revenge towards me.

I'm the one who lied to you due to some reasons. After our break-up, you once said you still love me but you can't forget that incident. I accepted the fact and I tried to change for you. Though i know chances are very low, but I never gave up. I know you're someone who holds your pride high, just like me, but despite everything, I put down my pride and asked you for patch twice and that was my first time asking. But sadly, you rejected . And I'm so afraid you're gonna reject me for the third time, so I didn't dare to ask again. But I'm very disappointed at that point of time, but I didn't gave up.

Cause I constantly remind myself, maybe at that point of time, I'm just not good enough to be with you that's why you rejected. So I decided to try harder, but whatever I've done for you, no matter how hard i tried, you don't seems to appreciate it. But I didn't gave up, I kept quiet and continue waiting. Slowly, we started to drift apart but I'm still viewing profile everyday just to keep myself in touch with you.

On the 24th, you asked Cheng to pass me back everything. I was shocked when i received it and at the same time I'm filled with anger. To the extend , I almost intended to throw it at somewhere you will be able to see. But after considering for a period of time, I decided to keep it rather then throwing it away and making my heart ache. Cause I know I can't bear to throw away our picture. I wanted to confront you, I wanted to meet you once again and ask you what are you doing. But in the end, I forced myself to swallow down this whole incident even though I'm very angry and unhappy about it.

But now, I finally understand why are you treating me in this manner. As what you said, take revenge. After so much I've being through just to gain back my trust in your heart, all I get in return was lies. You lied to me throughout and gives me hopes each time as though you're gonna be back. Perhaps I shouldn't blame you for that, maybe it was just my imaginary thoughts that you're giving me that slight hope when you're not. (Eg. Reading my blog and crying, 我很想爱她。) I should just blame myself for being too naive and too over confident that it was referring to me. Time over times , I fall and I managed to hold myself up just because I wanna gain your trust back. But guess whatever I did, it didn't even touched your heart before when you left till now as you have already made your decision long ago.

I once told you before I dislike liar due to some personal reasons and I can't accept lies. But today, I really didn't expect the guy who I regretted lying to him and the one who I loved the most actually tried to take revenge by doing all this. I really don't know what else to say, as I slowly watch him leave, cause I know I'm falling apart now and I don't know how to accept it while tears rolled down from my cheek. It's really a good phobia for me now. Furthermore, you're the guy who I loved the most .

Forget it, guess no matter what I did, just treat it as you've succeeded. I step out, not because I can't forgive you for lying, is because I don't know what else can I do to gain your trust back. I failed, I'm sorry. Goodbye.

TRUTH.

2011-03-27T20:55:00.001+08:00

Pardon me for a slightly longer post today. I just got the sudden urge to post how I really feel after I deleted you.

"Deleting you in Facebook is better for you to move on and at the same time, you don't have to view my profile every single day without fail." Frankly speaking, this feeling were so unbearable and yet I didn't even hesitate at all cause you're the one who give up on me despite how many times I tried to get you back.

TRUTH: Since the day I deleted you from
Facebook, my heart ain't feeling good. I always search for your profile every single day at 11pm sharp. Though I can't see your profile now, I don't know why I can even stare at your profile till I fall asleep. The next morning when I woke up, you'll be the one who brighten my day although I know you're ain't there anymore.

Although it's impossible for us to be back again, I really don't get it why I still treat what you said so seriously. Some of your friends (I shall be kind enough to not label names) even chatted on fb message and fb chats with me asking me to move on and stop dwelling on you. Giving me their num and asked me contact them if I need someone to talk to.

I'm sorry to say that, but yes. I gave them the same answer when I'm with you though I know we're not together already. I told them I won't message them cause I know you're gonna get frustrated if I do and my heart is only for you. And even if how many times you all wants me to give up on him, I won't . "Cause what makes you think that he can sacrifice for me so much but now I can't?"

Despite knowing the fact that you're gonna move on with your life, I really don't know why I'm still being the thick-skin one whose still holding on to you. I seriously don't get it why after sacrificing so much, you're still leaving. You're free now, you're free to message any girls now. Even after you're gone, I still keep to my words and I still respect you and I didn't even get contact with any NEW* Facebook guy. I really don't get it why you can actually entertain those girls.

Have you ever thought of how I feel whenever you get to know a new girl and when you started messaging her? Have you ever thought how afraid I am? Have you ever thought about me when you contacted them? If you don't, I guess I got nothing much to say between us already.

I admit, I committed mistakes, but yeah who doesn't? Everyone commits mistakes and they learn from their mistakes. I know, the things I did to you really affected your life badly and i understand why you're treating me like that now. But nevertheless, even how much this impacted your life, I know , you're gonna continuing saying you hate me for doing that and stuffs. But I dare to say before the start of our relationship till the end of it, I never ever thought of bastard you. I never ever once thought of letting you go. The most tragic thing was, I didn't expect you to let go of me so easily as though I'm nothing to you. You're not even fighting for me back just like how you once did and you're not even trying to get me back.

I'm sorry, but yeah, can you stop letting me feel that I'm like so desperate for you to come back when you're not even caring? can you stop letting me feel that you don't want me anymore, I'm the foolish one, constantly clinging on you? If you really wants me back, you'll try to make me feel secure by showing initiative to get me and not making you feel that I'm just annoying seriously. I guess, you've already made up your mind, decision is still yours.

I'll remembered what the guard told me : "What's yours would eventually be yours."

Result out .

2011-03-25T23:58:00.004+08:00

I'm NOT happy with it.
Thanks for ruining my day.
So stfu and stop asking me why.

The doctor said : "No major scars affecting your brain, but you still got to come back for your check-up next month regarding your red blood cell. But for the time being, you're gonna face some Syndrome effect till your bruise recover or maybe this syndrome will stays, it depends on your body and how they react. "

Insomnia
Appetite loss
Emotionally unstable
Forget things easily
Memory loss

Oh great, good for me. I wonder what is the doctor gonna add on after the next visit. She sounds like I'm dying and it seems like it's so fucking serious. But all I can say is I don't give a god damn shit about it either cause it seems like a fucking joke to me indeed. (Y)

oh baby, stop tearing me apart.

2011-03-24T16:45:00.004+08:00

I'm so tired of fighting for you when you don't seems to care. So if you want me in your life, you'll find a way to put me there not dumping me aside. I'm sorry , if you're thinking that I'm gonna dump everything away, You're totally wrong. My heart really hurts badly as I began to see what I did for you and the stuff which you returned to me. I'm gonna keep it all nicely and just keep quiet as it fade away.

You constantly said you're crying every time after reading my blog post, but have you ever thought of me? Crying every night before sleep, blogging with tears and bus journey back with tears? Do I deserve this? When will everything be back to normal? Even if it doesn't , I just hope to be friends with you. But it doesn't seems to be what you want. I never ever thought you're gonna turn me off just like that. Without a note, without a message from you nor a call, just a bag of memories. Why are you doing this kind of thing towards me. Do you really mean what you're trying to do? I really don't get it.

Times over times , I had being trying to hold back this relationship. Trying so many ways to get you back and trying so hard to still be there for you mentally but not physically there. Despite how much you tried to push me away, despite how many times you wanna make me fall, I managed to hold myself up because this is what you did when you pissed me off in the past. Finally, after today, I got my answer from you indeed. You're letting everything go , you're letting everything shattered into pieces and ruined this dream of ours. I didn't expect you to even let go and not fight for me like how you used to. I don't sense my importance in your heart anymore. Guess this is what you want in life, I shall just let you be who you are. I'm just blaming myself for being so naive towards everything I did and how I tried to amend it when you simply can't give a god damn fuck about it.

Next , you don't have to thanks me for deleting you. You can start hating me now, start thinking that I've let go. Ask yourself this, when I deleted you, "does this hurt deep inside my heart? Why am I doing this? Why am I thinking for you then myself? Why am I always being so selfish thinking that if you're happy, it's sufficient, I don't need to be happy ? Why ?" Guess you should be happy now, though it's tearing me apart and I can't take it anymore . I'm crying, I'm hiding everything to myself , I'm escaping from reality. Who knows ? No one know, cause the one who used to be very concerned about every single thing I do had already gave it all up. You're the one who brighten me and the one who got back my smile after so long and you're the one who just ruined it all today.

And for your info, it was you. I managed to quit my job after considering for so long though I love that job very much and it was you, I didn't went for club since the day I saw you at rebel and you were looking out for me. Seriously, I don't get it why this time you're not looking back, I don't get it why this time you're not trying to fight for me back, I don't get it why you're treating me this way now, I don't get it why you still don't wanna sms me and tell me how much you really cherish me, I don't get it why you're not wanting me back, I don't get it why you don't care anymore. Guess as what you said , "You finally understood until the end of everything."

Last, I'm heading back to ttsh tomorrow. If it didn't turn out well tomorrow, good luck to me then. I'm gonna go for an operation at my head. Hopefully,I'll forget everything, I'll forget how much I tried to get you when you push me away, I'll forget what forever is like , I'll forget the past memories we had and the times we had together.

The day before 23rd via phone

2011-03-22T22:52:00.001+08:00

两个相爱彼此的人取不能在一起。
Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. you just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, comfort a friend,stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts. Because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back. Though I regretted so much.

Few more hours, it's 23rd. It's suppose to be our half a year, but guess it's just half a year of torture then love. I'll never forget how I call you off just one day before 23rd, just because I feel that I'm just not worth it for you love. It was just a moment of anger and all i thought was you to leave, and you left without hesitating. But why am i still holding you back? It's all because I'm still wanting you back even though you don't want me now. As you're the one who fight for me back when I want to leave and you're the one who hold me back whenever i walk away. I constantly tell myself," look back on what he did to you, ask yourself this, do you really deserve him back? If you do, then fight for him, get him back. Stop all your unreasonable way of thinking and instead find ways to get him. "

Even though how much I try to get you back, this just didn't worked out well. Perhaps as what everyone said, I don't deserve your love back. I don't deserve a second chance. I don't deserve for you to look back at me and I don't deserve to be your girlfriend. Forget it, just let it be.

When will this torture disappear? When will this hurt ends? When will those tears stop rolling? When will all this love fade away? When will we truly understand? Perhaps after I'm gone? Or after you've moved on with your new girl? I really don't know.

CONFESSION 2 via phone.

2011-03-20T09:56:00.001+08:00

I don’t know what happened to the love we found within each other, I don’t know why I hate you yet love you, I don't know why you hang up and ignore me. I don't know why we turn out to be stranger now. I don’t know why I want an answer you won’t give me, and I seriously hate that feeling of being lost. I’m like searching for nothing and the feeling of loneliness just keep getting in my mind.

This feeling is like you trying to find yourself standing up when everyone else is sitting down. And everyone would be like asking “what’s the matter with her?” I know what it really feels like now. Walking down an empty street, listening to the sound of your own footsteps. The fear of falling in love again as the strong courage you used to have were gone. The trust ain't there anymore even if I move on. Cause every time when you came to think about it, You will end up either walking towards something or you’re just walking away.

First c.o.n.f.e.s.s.i.o.n post via phone.

2011-03-18T02:18:00.001+08:00

I can hide from these feelings inside. I can continue to pretend that I'm not gonna care. I can continue to show you that I'm happier without you. I can constantly remind myself I'm over you. But all I can say is, the pain just won’t go away, the tears just won't stop , those promises you and I made just don't go away, those flashback of lies just don't seems to fade away, because every time when I hear your name, my heart would just continue to force myself to get you out of my life as I'm not worth it for your love and my mind would just pause for a few second.. and all the words which I wanna say to you would all be stuck inside my mouth and its better to be left unsaid.

Hardwork pays off well.

2011-03-15T15:50:00.004+08:00

Result for Biology @2-1C forum ! ^^

Biology : 40/45
Chemistry: 28/35

I'm so glad with my biology's result and at the same time I'm not very satisfied with my chemistry result. I expected myself to get higher though I didn't study much for chem but I really tried my best. Hopefully my chem teacher allows me to take retest, I protested already ! ^^

Alright , Shall go have a nap before I start revising later.
Pardon me for a confession message before I end today's post. As this is how I really feel now, holding all this troubles, I can't take it anymore.

Sometimes I look back and see all the mistakes I've made, remembering the promises that were broken, the lines that were redrawn , the tears that were shed and everything that I could have done differently but I guess it's too late to regret now and I don't really wanna change a thing now because it bought me to where I am to you now , a stranger.

I didn't expect you to forget me so easily as though we've never met before. I didn't expect you to still bear grudge with that incident just because I feel that I'm not worth it for your love. But guess, this is what everyone said, reality. I should accept it. Since we're not gonna be sms-ing nor talking to each other anymore, since you can't forgive the past, since you still wanna hold your pride, since you can find other girls to hong just to entertain yourself , since you can let me go so easily and not fighting for me back , since you don't appreciate every single thing I did to amend it, so let it be. I'll let go of you now, you can leave. I ain't turning back now unless you're gonna prove me wrong by taking initiative to hold me back and let me feel my importance in your heart. Because I know, you don't even give a god damn shit about it nor take initiative to hold me back now. So let it be. Goodbye.

Every Sunday is my homework clearing day.

2011-03-13T23:20:00.005+08:00

The girl who everyone thought could bounce back from anything, broke down. The girl who never shed a tear, shed thousands. The girl who was unbreakable, cracked. The girl who acted like she didn’t care, shattered to the ground. The girl who was outgoing, hid away. The girl who never gave up, whispered “I can’t do this anymore,” as she watched her world crumble through her red puffy eyes.

I woke up early in the afternoon at 1230pm.
Started clearing up my Business studies homework + Technology homework. I got no idea how to do my English and Art, so I've decided to skip it and ask teacher tomorrow. Though I know they're gonna give me a hard time tomorrow and asking me why I didn't do, but I got my reason to cover. They didn't reply me via facebook ):

Self-study @Macdonald alone while waiting for my sister to end work. Shall carry on studying tomorrow, I don't wanna flunk my major test ! ): Alright , shall rest early tonight so that I've sufficient energy for my art test later. HAHA.

@Bus with my sister.
Pardon me for this lousy camera, stupid front camera so blur.

She's my blood related sister.
Do we look alike?

N.E.W. H.A.I.R.C.U.T

2011-03-12T20:55:00.002+08:00

"I’m at that point of my life when nothing seems to be the way it supposed to be.
Everything’s turned upside down.I feel no safety.So many sleepless nights, so many rainy days, so many dark thoughts.So many people who say they want to help me, but it seems like no one understands.They say they do, but they don’t.So many people around me, but I still feel lonely.They say they love me, but the most of the time I don’t feel loved.I feel tired.When did things went wrong?I feel like yesterday everything was so perfect, I was happy and I had no worries.And now it seems like everything has turned into ash.Where did this change came from? Is it me?Or is it just life, who wants to play with my mind?"

Argh , start laughing out loud at my new hairstyle.

when things are not what we expected it to be.

2011-03-11T23:13:00.006+08:00

“Once upon a time a clueless girl gave a boy her heart with all her trust, like every ordinary boy he took it and tore it apart. Now, she wasn’t that clueless girl she used to be, she changed and got stronger; she is going to mix up the rules and create her own game; she will never fall in love, but she’s going to make boys fall for her with no intention of catching them, she would play hard to get, she will make boys cry and she’s going to break their heart. Just to prove that one boy she could play his game only better and pray he would come back and fix her heart which he left broken.”

What do you do when you got nothing to do on a Friday night?

Buy cuttlefish,

Open the packet of cuttlefish.

Go under the block, sit down and watch people play basketball rather then you stay at home and rot. Okay , it's just a suggestion that I came out with today as I got nothing better to do at home.

Guess I'm really so distracted that I can't even concentrate and focus on my studies.
FML FML FML!

-
-

@Webcam with Huixiang in technology class.
What if one day,

I have a long face,

with a big mouth.

filled with small eyes,

You can see me in two figures,

Will anyone still talk to me like normal?
-
-
Let's see.
Transition mode.

Alright,I'm just kidding!
I'm practically bored, that's why I started creating a joke out of it.

♥.
She's a strong girl though. She's currently facing the same problems as me, that was why we're getting along so easily. I admit, I really admired her as despite all the troubles she's facing, she didn't even show others how she really feels. But as what she told me, you can lie to everyone but not yourself. Just let nature take its course. And yes, even though how happy she can be from her outside, sometimes or maybe somehow when it really comes to a circumstances whereby she can't stand anymore, she'll just cry it all out. I've finally found someone whose like a duplicate copy of my feelings.

Hoping that you're gonna feel the same way.

2011-03-10T18:56:00.003+08:00

Have you ever tried to find the words, but they don't come out right? Have you finally found the one you've given your heart to, only to find that one won't give their heart to you? Have you ever closed your eyes and dreamed that they were there, and all you can do is wait for the day when they will care? Have you ever been in love, been in love so bad, you'd do anything to make them understand? Have you ever had someone steal your heart away, you'd give anything up to make them feel the same? Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart, but don't know what to say and you don't know where to start?

Omg , I guess I'm gonna spend this weekend revising for my major test next week.
Though I got the urge for shopping and hanging out with friends, I'm gonna control ! Hopefully, no distraction nor interruption when I'm studying as I tend to get influence by people very easily.

Took my Biology test today and I'm quite happy with my result ^^
Luckily my effort didn't came to a waste, got A for my test._. If only that was my major test, I'll be more relieve. As what others said to me, it's just the beginning of the journey, you'll get tired and lazy when you get promoted next year and you'll flunk your O's next year. Because first year, you'll feel motivated but not the next year._. But seriously, I don't really bother what others said as I'm doing it for myself ^^

I seriously hate crying myself to sleep and waking up with tears on my eyes the next day. Knowing that you ain't gonna be back nor be there to wipe it away, it really affects me badly. But nevertheless,I won't let my personal emotions affects my studies. Though I know my life are so mess up now with so many problems unsolved. I'm just gonna put everything aside and let nature take it's course. Cause I know many things are unpredictable, but I believe one day, it will be resolved.

With @CarlersThio.

Argh! My eyes are so swollen :@

Hospitalised.

2011-03-09T11:04:00.000+08:00

I didn't expect that you've forgotten me so easily. I didn't know how you can erase me in such a short period of time. I didn't expect that I don't even deserve to be in your mind. I didn't expect that you still don't get it why am I doing this.Perhaps I'm just another girl that passed through your life. But no matter what, I still want you.

These few days had been a mess for me.
I don't really know what the hell I'm doing with my life and exams are round the corner. I haven't even started preparing for my major test. I wondered why am I the one whose always suffering when exams are round the corner ? ):

Next thing.
I'll be a kind soul today to explain what exactly happened. For the benefits for those whose making assumptions of why I landed up in hospital or whatsoever. Due to lack of red blood cells in my body, my body can't transport oxygen to all parts of my body and that was why I fainted after I tripped over the wire on the floor. I'm encouraged to stay at the hospital for a couple of days, but I told the doctor, I don't wanna be lying there and waiting for nothing. So they discharged me. But unfortunately , I'm told to go for my appointment on 2 different days.
-
Thanks for those who visited me in the hospital and treating me like a PATIENT only ah._.

Argh, I'm gonna be late for school.
I got so much to blog about, but due to time constraint,I think I'll edit at my next post.

It just one of these days.

2011-02-22T21:14:00.002+08:00

Remember about my previous post regarding my biology homework?
The results are out and I'm super satisfied with it as I didn't expected myself to score so well for first attempt ^^ I know I know,I had being neglecting my blog as I've lots of assignment to do.

So sorry ! ^^
Try FOLLOW ME on twitter , I'm more active there.

@JiaminCJM

homework homework homework

2011-02-15T16:28:00.004+08:00

http://www.biology-cc.blogspot.com/
http://www.biology-cc.blogspot.com/
http://www.biology-cc.blogspot.com/

Check out my new website for my Biology homework !
Please comment about it as it's my first attempt doing it and I'm not really very satisfied with it.
Thanks people, I'll be back after I finish all my homework ):

(my blog is still alive, FYI)

2011-02-08T22:03:00.001+08:00

Can someone tell me what my heart really wants ! ):

HAPPY CHEENA NEW YEAR.

2011-02-06T18:43:00.002+08:00

Brand new year and a brand new start for me.

I'm gonna put everything aside, yes, I mean it. Every single about you , every single thing about us and every single thing of holding this r/s. I ain't gonna be there and you're never gonna see me again. I finally understand what others said by let nature takes it course as time pass.

Last but not least, be it or not, I've gotten over you.

Happy new year readers ^^

68days w/o you.

2011-01-29T12:43:00.002+08:00

Finally, after a week in school, it's weekends and I'll make sure I spend my weekends wisely. Anyway, my new year nails done and I'm so satisfied as it's my favourite character! ^^ Pardon me for not posting for more then a week or so, because I'm really trying to make my life more worth it without you.

I'm not urging for your return , I'm not urging for you to forgive me now & I'm not urging to meet you anymore. I'll let nature takes it course as time pass now.

Testing 1,2,3

2011-01-21T19:02:00.001+08:00

Test test, I'm currently trying out my new application via my iPhone!(:

How can we pretend that we don't love each other but deep inside our heart it does? Perhaps it's just a matter of time, I'll be waiting.

57 days w/o you

2011-01-18T22:35:00.004+08:00

You are always on my mind. I can't help it. I really don't know what I thought about before you.& it's really hurting every time you know that he doesn't belong to you anymore and you know you can never find someone to replace him but the saddest part is you knowing that he can't be replace and yet you're not finding a way to make things better.

I had been busy these days with my school enrollment that I hardly got time to blog. First day of school starts tomorrow and it's gonna take 2years. Hopefully, I'll overcome everything. I'm putting every single thing aside and concentrate for my 2years and get good grade for O's. I believe by then, he'll find someone better to amend his sorrows although I know it'll be hard for me as I'm still waiting for a glimpse of hope.

Since the day you walked away, I constantly played this song and it keeps remain me of how you used to disturb me whenever I sing this song. Our distance are far and there's a huge wall blocking us, but the absence of love is still hanging on inside both of our heart. And I just hope that one day, that wall which are blocking us being together would be remove soon ): Even though the chances are low, I'm not hesitating to give up easily. Because you once told me, I'm JIAMIN ley, 没有SAD 的LEY !

I won't be slacking/skipping/sleeping in class anymore. Although you've moved on, but nevertheless, I-don't-know-what's-wrong-with-me, I felt so motivated in studies not because I'm depressed. It was you, all along. Holding on to me and giving me the motivation to study even though you're not mentally with me. I promise you, I'll study well this time round.

jjm♥jjh

54 days w/o your presence

2011-01-15T08:38:00.001+08:00

You can continue running away from the disappointments that was why you’re trying to forget. But I'm sorry, I can't.

Its really hard to face reality and accept the fact that you're just friends and to give up everything though inside your heart you still wanna try. I'm sorry, I might not be that perfection girl you want, but I've tried my best already. Guess that someone whom gonna make you smile and watch you be happy ain't me in the first place. I don't know why, it's almost 2months and I'm still awaiting for your messages even though I know you no longer care.Forcing myself to sleep and drinking session almost every week trying to stop myself from thinking and waiting for your random meet up and calls when you simply can't be bothered about me now.

All along, I'm urging for your return, if you didn't realized it. It was you, whom held my confidence so high, despite knowing the fact that you won't be back anymore and despite knowing that I'm no longer standing inside your heart. Because from the start of our relationship, it was you who told me that you're gonna tolerate me even if any single one is gonna ruined our relationship, even if everyone is going against our r/s and even if one day I pissed you off. You said :" you're be there and you're always be."

FACT: I don't blame you seriously.
All I can blame is falling in love so deeply with you and watching you slowly fading away with someone whom you know I dislike the most. Getting closer with her seems to be making your day better then being with me. I'm sorry, I guess I ain't the one whom gonna make you happy and someone who is gonna understand you so well as compare to her. But nevertheless, so long as you're happy, I'll be. Even though how much I dislike you being with her nor texting/meeting her, I'll still face reality cause I believe she's gonna make you smile and she's gonna bring you back to someone you used to be.

jjm♥jjh.

52days w/o you.

2011-01-11T16:41:00.003+08:00

There hasn’t been one day since you left where I haven’t fought the urge to put you back in my life. But you've constantly pushed me away.

I miss you badly, seriously. I'm sorry, I failed to leave you jjh. I failed. But guess you've already moved on with your life. As said , I'll be there for you when you need me. Don't keep all those unhappiness towards yourself. I know you're be more happy if you voice out.

Anw,My application for nitec failed ^^
Expected this would happen because the interview didn't worked out well. So I've decided to apply for higher nitec. I didn't expected that I'm offer to 2 subjects after I check. Hopefully my higher nitec application would be accepted ):

49days w/o you.

2011-01-08T17:12:00.002+08:00

It doesn't make sense to let go of something you had for so long, but it also doesn't make sense to hold on when nothing's there.But I ain't giving up.

I was looking and browsing through all the messages , facebook's inbox , messenger chat log and etc. to get a bit of memories of how loving we used to be . And every time before i sleep , i thought of you sending me home , make fun of me before we are together . I wanna talk to you , but I just don't have the courage to . I'm tired of crying alone , I'm trying to control my tears whenever I saw you and always thinking of how good you've treated me in the past.

People felt irritated of me crying , But I choose to kept everything to myself and cried alone . I cant forget you at all , you are always in the down deep place of my heart . Causing me heart broken , but its all worth it because i love you . I started to recall of every time you waited for me to come down under my block and falling asleep when I came down, how sweet are we at OH,how you make me irritated by calling me jjm and how we get to know each other. Everything all started at OH and I'll never forget what you said, I'm your entire life.

Knowing the fact that you lied didn't affected me much seriously. But knowing the fact that my place in your heart had been replaced totally hurts me badly and yet I'm not doing anything. So long as you're happy, I'll be too. Even though this is not what I wanted but as said, I can only blame myself for not been a good girlfriend and blaming myself for changing you.

I'm seriously afraid you're gonna have phobia in your next love. But guess I'm wrong. And after all, I guess it's me whose gonna have phobia in love again. For the time being, I'm feared to be in love after this incident happened and all I can blame is myself for not holding on to you well. I'll slowly let go if you're in a relationship with her, I won't hate you . I'm sorry,but I'll love you even more.

jjm♥jjh.

47th day w/o you;

2011-01-06T23:39:00.003+08:00

It's stupid not saying how you feel, because you'll end up watching chances fade. And wondering what's real. But if it's gonna make you happy, I'll still choose to suffer all by myself.

Hopefully I passed my interview, result out on the 11th ^^

45th day w/o you.

2011-01-04T19:28:00.005+08:00

With them around, I'll never be alone again.
♥ thiothio and taytay.

对不起，你错了。我根本没想过我在你心里有多难忘。我曾经说过，你是我的唯一，是我最爱的人。但是，我发现一切都变了，不管是谁都好，最重要的是，你的心也变了。因为在你的眼里，我只是一个那么没用的人。我只想静静的看着你，只要你开心就好 .

Though I'm still missing one piece , but now, I can do whatever I want to do now without concerning and considering about what others said . I've thought it through , I won't even interfere anybody's life . I don't intend to change for anyone except for daddy. I'll be back like how I used to be , as long as I know what I'm doing,I'd be alright .

jjm♥jjh.

41days w/o you ;

2011-01-01T07:10:00.006+08:00

我哭了一整夜 , 才发现原来我还是很爱你.
我真的好想你，我好希望你能回到我的身边。但是，有这个可能吗？): 我真的觉得好辛苦，爱你爱得好辛苦，每天晚上也哭得好辛苦。为了不让你担心，我把所有的事都往自己的肚里吞。为了不让你担心，我的心充满了问号，但却不敢吭一声。我每天只能在你的面前伪装没事，装作很开心的样子。可是你却不知道我有多么的难过，多么的想告诉你。我有好多好多的话想跟你说，有好多好多的事情想问你。可是每当我看到你,我就哑口无言.我只想知道，我到底有没有存在你心目中，我到底在你心目中的位置有多高。如果我让你走，你会比较快乐吗？如果会的话，那我愿意让你从我的心里走出去，不要回头看着我，因为如果你回头，我怕我会改变主意不再放开你。看着你已经把我忘掉了,我的心就不停的哭,看着你对别的女孩那号码,我的心也很痛苦,我无法控制我自己的心情,只好让眼泪表达我的心情.顺着你的心意，做出对的选择。我真的真的希望你会快乐，因为我还很爱你。

40 days w/o you.

2010-12-31T14:07:00.003+08:00

I don't urge for your return now and I don't urge for everything to be back to normal now, I just hope we're still closed friends. You seems much more happier when you leave me, you see much more different as compare to the past. Seeing through those pictures you post to facebook really make my day. Your smile is vulnerable as compare to anyone whose gonna make me smile.

Get well soon ♥
Friends around me asked me why am I so stubborn and don't keep to my words. But all I can tell them is, in the very first place when we ended, I didn't blame you nor wanting to forget you. As I told myself I'm not intending to forget you nor move on. I'm sorry.Because I'm still silently and crying every night while waiting for your text, I'll be waiting.

39 days w/o you

2010-12-30T09:36:00.003+08:00

I miss you when I laugh and when I cry because you are the one who makes the laughter grow and the tears disappear , I miss you when something good happens because you are the one I want to share it with , I miss you when something troubles me because you are the one who understands me well , I miss you at every moment in my life because you're the one I loved the most . Even though I know, you ain't there for me anymore.

As promised, I'll do much better and I'll get greater grade as compare to my first major exam.It was you whose always whining and quarreling with me just because I skipped school. I managed to get through the final lap of exam and accepting that you broke off with me during the most crucial period when I'm still having my exams. I didn't blame you cause it was you who was suppose to hurt me badly but ended up giving me the motivation to not give up so easily and leading to a slight improvement in my result.But still,I ain't satisfied with my result.

I don't what am I thinking. Yesterday, I saw your facebook and I was so worried about you. I ran to my shelf to get the scalding lotion and wanted to pass to you personally. After few minutes of thoughts, I realized that I can't be so anxious about you because I know you're just gonna get irritated with me ,you're just gonna think that I'm testing your patience and I'll be crying badly after reading those hurtful messages from you. I told myself, I'm suppose to be happy as I'm still gonna be myself even though how sad am I. I'm gonna stay strong and continue to pretend that I'm okay. So in the end, I put it back. Cause I know if I continue to be so concerned about you, I'm just gonna make you drift apart from me further and the worst thing is making you feel that I'm testing you.

All I can say now is , get well soon jjh.
Better wait for your scalded finger and leg recover before you carry on working. Don't overwork yourself. I failed to be there with you. Seeing you like that are just like needles constantly poking through my heart and I'm feeling so helpless. I'm sorry. Lastly, I (L) you,jjh.

38 days w/o you.

2010-12-26T15:22:00.005+08:00

I thought I'll forget everything , but after today , I realize I cant.I thought my feelings towards you was fading , but I realize it didn't.I thought after my friends cheered me up I would be fine , but I realize I'm not.I thought after one month I will be happier , but I realize I cant even be happy at all.I thought I wont teared for you again , but I teared today.I thought I wont miss you as much like the past , but I realize I'm still thinking of you.I thought after so much things happen , I can finally face you , but I realize , I'm lying to myself.

Maybe it is time for me to move on but I cant because I'm still clinging to that very thin line of a chance that maybe someday I will be with you . I love you so much that I did so many silly things but you never feel that I love you . I don't know why , let's just hope that one day you will know how much I love you . But maybe when the day you realize it , I may not be beside you anymore . But I know I can't predict what would happen next but I'm just hoping for the best.

Its really hard to hold on to the feelings that you have always held , to treat someone ordinary when in fact he is very special , to move on your own with an empty and totally wounded heart , to smile even in deep pain , to let go of the person you dream forever with , to accept reality of being just friends , and to give up everything though inside your heart you still wanna try .

♥ jjh.

35 days w/o you.

2010-12-26T15:11:00.003+08:00

" No matter how painful it is , no matter how long it takes , i'll endure with all the pains . Time means nothing , i'll wait for you as long as it takes . Even if i have to cry alone every night before i sleep , even if i have to smile at the most painful time . "

我突然觉得很累，很想放弃但却又舍不得。如果有一天我把你从特别的位置移走了，如果有一天我把我们的回忆删除了，如果有一天我能再次地接受另一个爱情，这就表示我已经把你忘掉了。可是，那一天什么时候才会到？已经一个月了，我还是没有办法把你忘掉。人家说，你的爱情持续多久，被受伤的那个就需要多久来忘记这段可怕的爱情。如果放手会比较好过的话，为什么我还是放不下？但是看来，我开心或伤心也不会再有人理会了，我现在完全分不清楚什么是真，什么是假。我用微笑来掩饰我的悲伤，我把自己搞得遍体鳞伤就只是因为想努力地忘掉你。可是为什么你那么难忘？我连想向你解释的勇气都没有，哪有勇气去面对一切。我想你一定不能体会我现在的心情吧，因为你正在享受你现在的快乐生活 .

我真的很想你, jjh ♥
我好想在多看你一眼,可是你已经走了.

33days w/o you.

2010-12-24T12:47:00.005+08:00

Dear Santa,
I know it's impossible for me to let him go so fast,it's impossible for this relationship to get back,but can you please grant my wish to let me forget him? I thanked Santa for making him have the courage to find himself back,making him move on so fast and making him feel much happier without me. I hope Santa would continue to remind him to keep me as his sweetest memory even though he have already move on with his life.

with love,
Jiamin.

32 days w/o your presence

2010-12-23T12:51:00.003+08:00

Watching someone you truly loved,love someone else and all you can do is watch him slowly fading away at your sight.

I prevent myself from falling in love again because I'm afraid I might get hurt again like how I used to be , but I failed to do so yet regret and blame myself for being too weak when I fall for you . Now that you've left me behind alone , nobody gonna dry my tears for me when I cry , nobody gonna say "I love you" when I'm feeling down and nobody gonna hold me and tell me that I won't be alone when I'm with you.

I can't accept the truth seriously.
Knowing that you've move on with your life, knowing that your loved for me has turned into hate, knowing that you no longer bother, knowing that you've fall for someone else and knowing that you're in a relationship now so randomly with someone else. I don't know how to tell you my current feeling, even if I do, I doubt you're gonna care now. Crying all alone myself and telling myself it's time to let go. I'm not a strong girl, I'm not a strong pillar, I do fall. It doesn't matter now, what matters the most is how I'm gonna pull myself up and get on with my life which I know I won't be able too.

It hurts to love someone and not to be loved in return, but what is the most painful is to see someone you loved,love someone else. And when you think back of how blessed you are in the past of your beautiful memories, yet you cant find back the same feelings anymore nor amend everything. Nobody ever understand how you feel, all they do is to blame you for being selfish and naive. But that's reality, I'm still gonna face the fact one day, even though how much I'm trying, even though how much I don't want this to end and even though how much I love you. Just give me some time.

Last but not least, last long with your girlfriend.
I'll be giving you all the blessing and I rest assured you, I won't be the caused of your relationship. Bye, I love you jjh.

30th day w/o you.

2010-12-21T20:01:00.003+08:00

I know that yesterday is gone and it won't come back to me but I missed it, I miss you,how I wish we're way back to the past like how we used too.

I just gave up signing my confirmation letter.
I didn't know they're holding on my resignation letter and they asked me to consider about it and they gave me a confirmation letter to ask me to carry on working. The good thing about this letter is that my pay would have a slight increase of additional $200 per month. And that will give me a total amount of 1.5k reaching 1.6k per month But the bad thing was if I'm gonna quit after confirm, I'm gonna give a month notice. I rejected the letter. Not because of anything at work, it's just my personal problems. Hopefully things would be better after I leave this job and find a new one.

Sometimes how I wish I was always drunk , forget about everything, start talking nonsense and voice out everything that is crying in my heart. I don't know why , I just miss you , suddenly and randomly every single day . I know I'm not suppose to , I know things ain't gonna be the same anymore , I know everything its impossible , but I still do. I know I'm being so stubborn saying all this inappropriate stuffs, but that is how my personal feeling now, all I need is to voice out, to let out everything and for you to look back at me once more. Even though everything won't worked out well, even though I'll fall even deeper, so long as you won't give up, there's always a glimpse of hope holding me on towards you. Everyone has their own guy or girl they love the most , and when everything become a past , you kept this person in your memory , a very beautiful memory.

Often people would asked me this "Why is this person so special ?"
My replied was "Because he's unique and I cant find another person like him , and also because he's the one that I really fell in love with even though I might get angry with him at times.."

It's been 30 days since everything ended.
It's been 30 days having the hot and cold feeling.
It's been 30 days I've try to hold back this relationship.
It's been 30 days I'm trying to tolerate everything.
It's been 30 days since I last had a warm hug from you.
It's been 30 days since I last seen a smile from you.
It's been 30 days I've missed you.
It's been 30 days I'm wishing that we're be back like the past.
It's been 30 days and I still can't accept the fact you're gone.
It's been 30 days blogging about you and hoping you'll feel the same too.
And every time I start thinking, I'll be so paranoid to the extend I don't even know what am I doing.

How I wish to see your text everyday.
But guess you've move on with your life. You'll feel much more happier without my presence, you've found back yourself when we ain't together now and you don't have to worry so much for me now as I know, I'm gonna be fine. And I will, I promise. On the 23rd, I requested off day just to see you and I guess you won't be free for me. But I'll be waiting, I'll definitely will. Perhaps that would be the last time I'm gonna be talking to you, the last time I'm asking you back and the last time I'm amending this love. I don't wanna see each other so unhappy now, think about it. Ask yourself this, are you seriously happy without me? If you do, then I'll not hold you back after 23rd.

Lastly , I love you.
Even though we're not texting nor seeing each other now. I'm just gonna think positive. I'm constantly telling myself whenever you're doing this, you're making this love bound more closer then we were before. Knowing that we do miss each other and we do cry at night for each other, but that's what everyone said, Love. JJH ♥

28th day w/o your presence

2010-12-19T17:10:00.003+08:00

I love you so much, so much so that there is no words in the dictionary to explain how I feel" & I could never get tired of saying it.

Almost every single day,I had been sleeping with tears rolling down from my cheeks and waking up with those tears on my cheeks. I'm sorry , I ain't that strong like how I do in the past as you're the one who always enlighten my smile everyday when I open my eyes. Everyday when I woke up, how I wish you're gonna be the first one who message me like how you used too, making me smile every morning when I wake up. But I'm gonna accept the fact, you no longer bother, you no longer gonna do that to me. As you said, your love for me had became hatred. You won't know how much I misses you my dear.

I've quit my job and I'm giving a week notice to them.
I always told myself that nothing gonna affect my mood, my attitude and my character towards the things I'm doing as I won't regret after doing. Guess I'm wrong this time, you've conquered my life, I constantly tell myself that you won't be the reason why I quit k-box, but guess I can't deny the fact now. Cos you're gonna be the last guy whose gonna make me change.

Even though I know it's too late, even though I know you don't bother now, but all I can do now is keep every promises I once made. Because I know, one day you're gonna turn back and smile to me once again. Even if you don't, at least I know, I kept my words but maybe it's just too late to amend things. I don't want you to suffer alone, let me know how you feel, let me understand what you're thinking and let me know why are you making both parties so upset.

Although I'm unhappy, I'm trying my very best to not let it overcome my mood. I'm sorry babes and friends for rejecting outings and sometimes even not answering nor reply your smses. I don't wish to talk to anyone nor meet anyone except him. Perhaps just give me some time to cool down. I know I can't get over him, I know nothing gonna hold him back even how much I try, but all I can say, 我经历了.

Last but not least, I love you jjh.
Hopefully you'll text me soon.